


I Have Loved You for the Last Time

by philatos



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe where they don't get together, Angst, Angsty Schmoop, Crying, Emotional Hurt, IM SORRY OK, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Pining, Pining Katsuki Yuuri, Sad Ending, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unrequited Love, that's literally it - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-08
Updated: 2017-11-08
Packaged: 2019-01-30 22:58:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12663174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/philatos/pseuds/philatos
Summary: He felt tears, unbidden, well up behind his eyes, threatening to push their way out as his throat tightened up. Unable to stand another second of this torture, he turned away, his heart aching more than he’d ever felt before as he pushed his way out of the banquet hall, his vision blurred. He vaguely heard Celestino call after him but he ignored it, knowing that if he tried to speak the floodgates holding his anguish at bay would open, drowning him in his own sorrow.





	I Have Loved You for the Last Time

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I'm not in a very good place right now, emotionally, so apologies to any of you who expected fluffy victuri goodness. I'm going through a really bad "break-up" tho idk if i can even call it that seeing as we were never together but whatever. In the end I figured that a good way of dealing with it was to write my feelings out and lo and behold it turned into fanfic. I used a lot of my own experiences for this so it was extremely hard to actually write and I cried like 5 times and there might be a bunch of errors, so please go easy on me. 
> 
> Fingers crossed that I'll go back to writing happy fluff and smut soon. 
> 
> @Yuuri, I'm so sorry for doing this to you my boy, ily.

 

He felt tears, unbidden, well up behind his eyes, threatening to push their way out as his throat tightened up. Unable to stand another second of this torture, he turned away, his heart aching more than he’d ever felt before as he pushed his way out of the banquet hall, his vision blurred. He vaguely heard Celestino call after him but he ignored it, knowing that if he tried to speak the floodgates holding his anguish at bay would open, drowning him in his own sorrow.

 

Blindly searching in his pockets, he grabbed his keycard and got into the elevator, his breathing turning more and more erratic by the second. While the ride couldn’t have lasted more than 30 seconds, it felt like an age as Yuuri did whatever he could to keep his emotions tied together, even as he felt them straining at their frayed ropes.

 

When it finally came to a stop at his floor, Yuuri dashed out, walking with the single minded purposeness of getting to the safety of his room where he could finally deal with the turmoil roaring in his chest. With shaking hands, he slid the keycard home and tumbled into his room once the door opened.

 

Closing it behind him, he leant against the cool wood, unable to stand as he slid against it, falling to his feet. Hand over his mouth, he tried to muffle the ragged cries that tore from his throat, leaving it raw. The tears that had been collecting in his eyes finally spilled over  sliding down his cheeks like raindrops in a storm. Try as he might, whenever he closed his eyes, all he saw was Victor and Alexei together on that dance floor, eyes fixed on each other as they spun around, not a care in the world. Their laughter echoed inside his head endlessly and try as he might, Yuuri couldn’t divorce Victor’s own from Alexei’s. Even in this they seemed irrevocably bound to each other, while all Yuuri could do was stand at the sidelines listening, counting himself lucky that he was even able to stand in the same room.

 

That was enough at one point wasn’t it? Before, when he was still struggling to claw his way up the figure skating ladder, it was that dream that kept him going.To just be on the same ice as him… that was supposed to be enough. But dreams had a way of evolving, keeping the dreamer on their toes, but in this case it felt more like a mutation. Yuuri’s admiration for the Russian figure skater grew and grew, until it felt as much a part of him as skating itself. He was obsessed, that much was certain. Posters of him covered his walls, he (discreetly) followed every single social media page about the other man, he named his dog after him… the list went on and on. If anyone asked he’d have laughed it off with a hasty excuse about needing something to motivate him or that it was always good to scope out the competition beforehand, before changing the subject.

 

As much as he tried to hide it both from himself and from others, the truth was that Yuuri was completely and hopelessly in love with Victor Nikiforov, or as much as he could be seeing as he’d never actually interacted with him. But his emotions didn’t seem to care about that, sending his heart aflutter whenever he so much as looked at a picture of the other man. Things got better (or was it worse?) when Victor finally caved in and got an Instagram account. Despite the fact that thousands of other people saw whatever he posted, Yuuri couldn’t help but feel special, like he was granted a chance to peek into the other man’s life. He found himself spending hours poring over the multitude of posts, picking up the silliest little details about him like what cereal he had in the morning (Yuuri spent a good part of an hour researching Russian cereal brand packaging and matching it to the blurry outline of the box Victor had on his kitchen counter in one of his selfies), or how he spent a rare day off (watching old Russian soaps, apparently.) It didn’t help either that Victor was apparently blessed by the god of selfies seeing as each picture he took had the potential to bring Yuuri to his knees. Late at night, when sleep couldn’t find him, he’d end up scrolling through his profile, letting himself dream. Maybe one day fate would cross their paths and Victor would be the one having these kinds of feelings that tortured him in the sweetest way. Maybe the stars would align and they’d both end up falling completely and hopelessly in love with each other, unable to imagine a life where they never met? They’d train at the same rink, live in the same apartment, compete alongside each other, pushing themselves to even greater heights? Yuuri’s fantasies felt as endless as they were addictive and he soon found himself almost believing them as much as logic told him not to.

 

This went on for months, almost a year if Yuuri recalled correctly. It didn’t do much to shift the balance of his life that had prioritized Victor for a long time now. He would have been happy if things continued like that. Well maybe not _happy_ , but content. And considering what happened, even that would have been a luxury.

 

Yuuri wasn’t an idiot. He knew that Victor had gained the reputation as a bit of a playboy at times and while he was sure that the tabloids had greatly exaggerated the details, he knew that Victor was no innocent virgin. But none of them had ever really bothered him, as short lived as they all were. And none of them were confirmed by the man himself anyway, so they were probably just wildly overblown stories that faded out within a week or two.

 

And then, Alexei appeared.

 

Yuuri had vaguely heard of him before, recognizing him as another Russian skater on the same team as Victor. He hadn’t qualified for the Grand Prix yet but if the skating blogs were to be believed, he had a real shot this year. But that wasn’t what made Yuuri take notice. It was instead, an innocuous picture that appeared on his Insta feed, in between a photo of Phichit’s hamsters and a group shot of Yuuko and the kids. It was of Victor, one hand reaching beyond the frame as he took the picture, while the other was looped around the brown haired man, holding him flush against him, goofy smiles affixed to both their faces. And to top it off, the caption below was a simple red heart, betraying any other interpretation of the post and at the same time, breaking Yuuri’s own.

 

Victor had finally found someone. He supposed he should be happy for him. All his other fans were, after all. The skating community went wild at the news, heralding them as skating’s new power couple. He found himself unfollowing several Victor fan pages as all everyone seemed to talk about was how cute they were together and Yuuri just couldn’t stand it. Acting like a jealous lover when he really had no claim to be might have been a little childish but it wasn’t like he could help it at this point. He was on the brink of unfollowing Victor’s own insta account several times, as more and more couple pics made their way to his feed, mockingly dangling what he could never have right in front of him. The worst one had been a shot someone else had taken of the couple slow dancing together at some event. Neither man was looking at the camera, their eyes affixed on each other, the love and absolute adoration in their gazes, undeniable. Yuuri could clearly remember the way his heart clenched when he saw that post, feeling like a bucket of cold water had been thrown on him, waking him up from the dream-like state he’d been floating in, where while however unlikely, perhaps one day Victor would notice him and maybe….

 

Yuuri’s train of thought stopped there as a fresh wave of tears hit him. How could he have let this go on for so long? If anyone knew, they’d surely think he was beyond delusional and maybe they’d be right. No one did things like this. It wasn’t like he had any right to fall in love with Victor in the first place. The other man didn’t even know him, just barely recognizing him earlier at the rink after his crushing defeat-

 

Oh right, _that_. With all that had happened, Yuuri almost forgot about his dismal performance out on the rink. And Vicchan, how could he have forgotten about Vicchan? Guilt ate away at him, adding to the weight upon his freshly broken heart. Wiping his eyes, he got up shakily and flopped down on his bed, too emotionally exhausted to even change out of his clothes. His stomach rumbled slightly and he vaguely recognized his own hunger. When was the last time he’d eaten? That morning, maybe? He should be starving, as he knew he was before the banquet, but now he just wasn’t.

 

Pulling the spare pillow closer to him, he buried his face in it, wanting to block out not only the world, but his own thoughts. The burst of soul wrenching emotion he’d felt earlier seemed to have died down, to be replaced by a numbness that felt even worse. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and let his exhausted mind get some rest,  where maybe in his dreams, things would turn out different. Maybe in another life, they were happy together, true soulmates who found each other despite the darkness within them. Even if it wasn’t meant to be in this life, just the thought of them being happy together somewhere out there in a universe almost exactly like this one was a small comfort, one that gently lulled him to sleep despite the sadness that ached within him.

 

This infatuation would have to end soon, Yuuri knew, but he needed just one more night. One more night to dream about what could have been.

 

His poor broken heart deserved that much, after all.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Kudos are appreciated and comments fuel me.
> 
>  
> 
> Send me requests/follow me on Tumblr @ [**griffith-did-nothing-wrong.tumblr.com**](http://griffith-did-nothing-wrong.tumblr.com/)<


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